The Circus of the AntiRing Protest
by Atheniel
Summary: A mad parody about a bottle of Coke, a Ring nobody wants and a rebellious hat :D
1. Old Enemies

**_TheWarf ofthe Peppermint Lifesaver…_**

**_PART 1 _**'**The Circus of the Anti-Ring Protest'**

* * *

_**--Old Enemies--**_

One wild and wintry snowy Shire morning, snowflakes were floating across the already snow-covered ground. Several Hobbits could be seen outside, clearing handfuls of snow from their front doorsteps with their shovels. A wooden horse and cart loaded on the back with large colourful fireworks lumbered through Hobbiton, past the party field, where there were a colourful display of streamers. The party tree had been decorated and all around, hobbits were preparing for what clearly was an extremely special occasion.

The horse and cart stopped outside the gate of Dagg-Den, and an elderly man with a long greyish beard walked up the front path and tapped at the polished green door with his walking stick. There was the clanging of china, and the fumbling of a door knob, then the round door swung open.

'Gandalf?'

'Billabon Groggins!' chuckled the elderly man, with a merry twinkle in his eye.

Billabon had no sooner ushered Gandalf into the hobbit hole than there was a small pop, and Gandalf's hat exploded in flames.

'No cause for concern!' exclaimed Gandalf, and whisked it out the door before and hurriedly slamming it with a bang. Soon the two were enjoying a nice cup of warm toffee tea by the fireplace.

'Gandalf, my old friend,' said Billabon, smoking his pipe and blowing candyfloss rings into the night air as they sat atop a waterslide overlooking the party field, 'This will be a night to remember.'

'It sure will!' cackled Gandalf, giving Billabon a slight push from behind.

'Aaargh!'… and five seconds later, a huge splash somewhere far below.

Merry party music sounded in the party field that night, and almost every distant relative within sight of Hobbiton that were related to the Grogginses had been invited to the long expected party to celebrate Billabon and Frodo's birthday. Everywhere there was the sound of laughter and hobbits dancing and merrymaking. A whizzing shower of fireworks lit up the sky, and exploded with sugary snowflakes littering the ground, followed by a fell beast that left burn marks behind it.

'My dear Grogginses and Muffins,' began a dazed and sopping wet Billabon to the hushed onlookers. 'Crooks and Bandybuffs… Nubbs, Tubbs, pipeweedploughers, cornmowers, Bracepindles, and Towedfoots. I mean-' Billabon began, as the hobbit named Troughfoot stormed out of the clearing to mutters of amusement, cursing and shaking his fists.

'Today is my eleventy-first birthday!' Continued Billabon, 'Indeed, eleventy-one years is far too long a time to live among such noble possession-stealing hobbits… I like a pinch of you a pinch as much as I would pinch, and I like less than a pinch of you a pinch more than you deserve… I regret to announce… this is the end. I am going now, as far from you all as is possible, and I bid you all a very… er, thankful farewell.' There was a small pop, and Gandalf's hat burst into flames.

'No need to panic!' yelled Gandalf, making everyone else jump clean out of their seats, 'It was just… erm…' At that moment, he spotted Merry and Snopip standing next to him, looking perfectly innocent. 'It was them!' He pointed accusingly, as if someone had just committed attempted murder. Everyone started muttering and the crowd eventually moved away, in which Gandalf was secretly able to shove his hat into some unsuspecting hobbit's arms and leap away at top speed, cackling gleefully at his brilliant scheme.

Shortly, he found himself at the door of Dagg-Den once again, just in time to see Billabon, packed and ready to leave.

'I suppose you thought that was terribly clever,' said Billabon, seeing him.

'It was just a bit of fun!' said Gandalf, then seeing the look on Billabon's face, 'Oh I suppose you're right, as usual…'

Billabon then handed him an envelope with something in it, telling him to give it to Frodo, before he left, humming as he went down the path. Gandalf let himself back into Dagg-Den, and was strongly comtemplating whether to steal whatever was in the envelope, when Frodo came in.


	2. The Conspiracy

_**--A Shortcut to Mushrooms--**_

'Oh hello,' said Gandalf, trying to look innocent.

'Billabon's sneaked off without me knowing hasn't he?' said Frodo.

'Old rascal.' Said Gandalf, 'But he er… left you something.'

'Did he? What is it?' said Frodo curiously. Just then, he spotted a bottle of vanilla coke on the table, and immediately grabbed it. Gandalf opened his mouth to speak, but was immediately interrupted.

'It's not yours, it's mine. I found it first. You can't have it. Besides, Billabon gave it to me.'

'No, that's not what he left you,' said Gandalf, 'He wanted to give you this.' He reluctantly surrendered the precious envelope.

'Oh,' muttered Frodo, putting the bottle on the table and reaching for the envelope, 'Right.'

While Frodo was opening the envelope, Gandalf took the chance to slowly edge his hand towards the bottle, but Frodo saw him. He immediately grabbed it.

'That's MINE!'

Gandalf tried to look innocent, and Frodo went back to the envelope. He took out of it round-shaped thing.

'It looks like a Ring,' said Frodo, drawing Gandalf's attention away from the tempting bottle of coke, 'It's so shiny… and… purple-'

'Purple?' said Gandalf, 'That can't be right. Let me have a look.'

'Don't you dare lay a finger on it, you thief!' said Frodo, 'You just want it for yourself!'

'No, you've got it all wrong,' said Gandalf. 'Everyone knows my favourite colour's pink.'

'I know _that_, but still…' said Frodo, trying, and failing, to think of another accusation.

Suddenly, there was an enormous crash as an old leather bound book crashed into the living room floor, breaking a huge hole in the floorboards as it went.

'What the-?'

'Oh look…' said Gandalf, fanning away the huge cloud of dust that came up from the floorboards, 'It seems to be… a… book… and it says I've forgotten half my lines.'

There was a slight pause.

'WHAT!' yelled Gandalf, 'We're being filmed? Why didn't you tell me? I'm sitting here looking like I've just been blown up by my hat!'

'But you have,' Frodo reminded him helpfully.

'Yes, I know that,' snapped Gandalf, 'What do I do, what do I do?'

'You're meant to be the wisecracking know-it-all around here. How am I supposed to know?'

Gandalf looked down and saw the bottle of coke, and an evil plan to have it for himself formed in his mind. He changed the subject. 'That Ring of yours that you just got from Billabon's alive.'

'Huh?'

'See, it escaped from this crazed dark lord Sauron, thought he could take over the world with it, only he was too strawheaded to realize that half the planet were plotting a plan to murder him, and they sort of did… Isildur cut the Ring from his hand and ran away with it, even though there was no point, as Sauron couldn't chase after him, having just been blown up. So then Sauron turned himself into a huge ball of flame wreathed in an eyeball, and has been hiding in his little tower in Mordor ever since because he didn't want to be yelled at by Sauron Jr. because he'd borrowed and accidentally lost his Ring. So then for no apparent reason, Isildur became slightly unhinged and committed suicide by jumping into the River. So the Ring floated away downstream looking for someone sane… but accidentally came across a weird gangly creature named Gollum (poor Ring), who pulled faces at it while chewing at his many fish.

'But then Sauron Jr. found out and Sauron has to get his Ring back before he is deprived of his breakfast cereal. So he's getting all his trusty pet Ringwoofs to get it back. As you can see, the unfortunate thing has been lunged after by many abnormal beings, and by such unhappy chance, has ended up here of all places, without any of its homely comforts.'

Frodo just continued to stare blankly.

'Don't you feel sorry for it?'

'No.'

'Don't you want to take it somewhere where it'll feel at home?'

'No.'

'Don't you feel this room is getting stuffy and you want a breath of fresh air?

'No.'

_Hm, change of tactic, _muttered Gandalf to himself. He cleared his throat.

'What I mean is, the Ringwoofs will be trying to steal it off you as soon as they figure out where you've gone. You have to leave this nutty hole, now! '

This had an immediate effect.

'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhh! They can't do that, they can't have it!' yelled Frodo, grabbing the vanilla coke bottle and hugging it.

'Not the coke!' said Gandalf, pointing instead to the Ring.

'That thing?' said Frodo, as if it were of absolutely no importance. 'That I bequeath… to you.'

'I don't want it!' yelled Gandalf immediately, leaping away, 'You can't make me take it.'

'You have to take it!' grumbled Frodo.

'No!'

'You can take over the world with it…' said Frodo hopefully, dangling it in front of him.

'I've got better plans of taking over the world,' cackled Gandalf. Just then, there was a pop, and his hat appeared out of nowhere. 'Aaaaaaaarrrgggghhhhhh! IT'S STALKING ME!' He screamed, scrambled into the kitchen cupboard, and refused to come out.

'Well it was worth a try,' sighed Frodo. Then the horror of it all struck him. 'I'M STUCK WITH THAT THING FOR LIFE!'

Gandalf poked his head out of the cupboard, 'It's not my fault.'

'What I want to know, it what on Middle-earth am I to do with it?' Frodo picked up the Ring and examined it for the first time.

Gandalf shrugged inside his small cranny hardly large enough for him. 'I heard there was a fiery mountain involved, but no one's mentions anything to me. No one thinks I can be trusted.'

Frodo choked back a snide remark and quickly turned it into a cough.

'I think there's also a journey somewhere along the line…'

'But I haven't had supper yet!' protested Frodo.

'Well, too bad!' came the muffled reply.

'I know!' said Frodo brightly. 'I'll threaten Spam into taking it. SPAM!'

'Yes?' came a reply as Spam poked his head through the window.

'Can you take this Ring to that Mountain up in Mordor and drop it in?'

'No.'

'Please?'

'No.'

'Pretty Please?'

'No.'

'I'll be nice to you.'

'It won't last.'

'Please with a marshmallow on top?'

'Mushrooms. No, even better, Fuzzberries.'

'Fine, fuzzberries.'

'No.'

'Please?'

'Who do you think you are, my Master? Why do I have to do everything for you?'

'I _am_ your Master. And you're my _servant_. Has that ever come across to you?'

'What makes you think I'm your servant?'

'You _willingly _gave up everything else so you could tend that mush of a garden of mine. You follow me everywhere, and I can never get rid of you!'

'My Gaffer made me! ' wailed Sam, 'has it ever crossed your mind that I'd rather be out of here?'

'Yes, and good riddance,' snapped Frodo. 'Just go and do what I asked and no one will be harmed.'

'What if I flatly refuse?'

'I have a hat here and I'm not afraid to use it!' said Frodo threateningly, holding it up.

'NO! Don't use the hat… It's a misshapen… and unhinged old rascal!' shouted Gandalf, springing out of his small crammed-in hiding place and landing with a huge thump in the middle of the two, right on top of his pointy hat. A moment later, he was up with a strangled yell, and bouncing around the small room howling his head off.

'You landed on it,' said Frodo matter-of-factly. 'How many times have I told you to not sit on it?'

'But I forget!' wailed Gandalf apologetically, hiding behind a small stool ten times smaller than himself. The hat started to enlarge, until it was towering menacingly over Gandalf. It wasn't very happy.

'I'll just pop out and leave you to deal with that mad hat of yours,' said Frodo happily, stepping out quickly and shutting the door behind him with a sharp snap. The hat then turned on Sam, as if daring him to threaten or insult it.

'And… so will I!' said Spam with a nervous laugh, and immediately disappeared.

'Noo don't leave me here!' Screamed Gandalf, as if they had just proclaimed his life sentence. 'Noooo!'

Outside, Frodo and Spam were contemplating whether to lock Gandalf in to stop the hat ever escaping and waging war against them. But just then, the door sprang open, and there was Gandalf, cloak and all, with a terrified look on his face.

'Mad hat… ' he breathed, as if he'd nearly had a heart attack. 'Must dash!' and he disappeared.

In a minute, he was back. There was a brief silence.

'It's coming after us.' said Gandalf eventually. 'RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!'

Frodo and Spam gave Gandalf a disbelieving look, and the three of them sprang away as if they'd all been stung by vicious bees, with looks of utter terror. Before long, they heard the unmistakable bounding footsteps of the evil hat, even though the thing had no feet, puffing along behind them.

They did not have a clue where they were supposed to be going. The greenery had turned white with snow as winter closed in on the Shire, and the tops of trees could barely be seen amid all the snow. Before long, they realised that Gandalf had disappeared.

'He's probably barricaded himself inside a tree root…' suggested Frodo, completely unconcerned at the idea that the wizard might be in grave danger, even though he was the one strongly in threat of being attacked by a passing tree root.

Soon, they stumbled on the edge of a farm filled with rows and rows of brown spotted mushrooms, red spotted mushrooms, mushrooms with pink splodges, and to their dismay, fat juicy toadstools floating in midair.

'Mushrooms ahead!' announced Spam with an extra spring in his step.

'Mushrooms! Where!' exclaimed Frodo.


End file.
